If He Had Been with Me by Laura Nowlin is a poignant coming-of-age story that explores the complexities of friendship, love, and the heartbreaking consequences of missed chances. The novel follows Autumn Davis and Finny (Phineas) Moore, childhood best friends who grow apart as they enter adolescence. Their mothers are best friends and next-door neighbors, which means Autumn and Finn have been inseparable since childhood. However, as they grow older and high school begins, their relationship shifts, and they drift apart into different social circles.
Autumn is an outsider at school. She embraces her individuality, preferring to dye her hair bright colors, wear eccentric clothes, and surround herself with other "misfits." She feels out of place among the popular kids and avoids social gatherings. Finn, on the other hand, is effortlessly popular. He’s kind, athletic, and well-liked by everyone at school. Despite their growing distance, Autumn and Finn remain connected through their families and shared childhood memories.
Autumn struggles with depression and feelings of inadequacy. Her father is absent from her life, and she feels the pressure to live up to her mother’s expectations. Her mother, who had Autumn when she was young, often projects her regrets and desires onto Autumn, adding to her internal conflict. To cope, Autumn starts dating Jamie, a boy who treats her well, but their relationship lacks the emotional depth and connection that she secretly craves.
Finn dates Sylvie, one of the most popular girls in school, which further reinforces the gap between him and Autumn. Despite their romantic relationships with other people, there is an underlying tension between Autumn and Finn—a sense that they are meant to be more than just childhood friends. Autumn often reflects on the "what ifs" of her relationship with Finn, wondering if their lives would be different if they had stayed close.
As their senior year progresses, Autumn and Finn begin to reconnect. Finn starts showing up for Autumn in small but meaningful ways—walking her home, checking in on her when she’s upset, and reminding her of the comfort they once shared. Slowly, Autumn begins to realize that her feelings for Finn have always been deeper than friendship. Similarly, Finn seems to have lingering feelings for Autumn, but their timing never seems to align.
The turning point comes when Finn and Sylvie break up, and Autumn finds herself alone with Finn one night. They share a vulnerable moment where Finn admits that he’s always cared for Autumn, even when they were apart. They kiss, and for a brief moment, it feels like their relationship is finally falling into place. However, tragedy strikes shortly afterward.
Finn is involved in a car accident and dies, leaving Autumn shattered. The grief and guilt she experiences are overwhelming as she grapples with the idea that they were finally on the verge of being together when fate intervened. Autumn is left haunted by the thought, "What if he had been with me?"—wondering if things could have turned out differently had their timing not been so cruelly interrupted.
In the aftermath of Finn’s death, Autumn learns to process her grief and reflect on the significance of their relationship. The novel’s conclusion is bittersweet, highlighting the fragility of life and the profound impact of lost love. Autumn comes to understand that even though Finn is gone, his love for her remains a lasting part of her story.
If He Had Been with Me summary themes of first love, mental health, and the painful reality of missed chances. Laura Nowlin’s writing captures the raw emotions of adolescence and the intensity of young love, leaving readers with a sense of both heartbreak and hope. The novel reminds readers that some connections are meant to shape us forever, even if they don’t last.
